Friday, 25 July 2014

The lemon is in play

For the longest time, I have wanted a lemon tree. Because of reasons.
The only problem: they can be insanely expensive. Or maybe they just seem insanely expensive to a poor person like myself.
So last year, IKEA had lemon trees! Now picture me dancing through the plant isles, chanting 'LEMONS! LEMONS!' at the top of my lungs.
That wasn't my actual reaction, but it would have been, if there hadn't been any people around. No, I just did a quick little happy dance on the spot.
I paid for my lemon tree (full of happiness), I drove him home (full of happiness), I named him Richardson (full of happiness), I gave him his own little space on my desk (full of happiness).
And how does he repay me?
By almost dying!
I actually blame IKEA. Why? Because they sold lemon trees in the middle of winter! And apparently Richardson thought the two minute walk from IKEA to the car was enough time to freeze to death.
Thankfully after lots of care, the finest citrus fertiliser money can buy (actually, it was the only one and it was quite cheap) and a playlist full of Korean pop songs, he recovered.
When I bought Richardson (named after Douglas Richardson of Cabin Pressure), he had two huge (and I mean huge) lemons dangling from a branch. I left them on the tree until they decided to jump off themselves (almost gave me a heart attack). After that, I couldn't get myself to throw them away, they were so pretty!
(You're probably asking yourself why I didn't eat them. Because the sticker on the pot said I shouldn't. Who knows what kind of chemicals they spray on there...I would probably have grown an extra arm if I had eaten them! But next time the tree grows some fruit, you can bet I will devour them with glee.)
So the lemons just lay around, chilling in the living room, then chilling in the kitchen.
Until, after about half a year of chilling, my father brutally murdered them.
Yesterday he cut them in half, for reasons still unknown to me. And you know what he discovered?
Praise cheeses!
I'm not yet sure if they are lemon trees or tiny tentacle monsters which inhabit abandoned lemons, but whatever they'll grow up to be, I'll keep you updated.
(That is, if they reach adulthood. Let me get my K-pop songs)